Life’s Grey ‘Til You’re A Driving Instructor

Hay:
I’m so fuckin depressed
I’m not even proper depressed
I’m just so fucking bored
I want it to be the weekend every day
and I look forward to it faaar too much
when you get back from this trip we need to start seriously talking about doing something
cuz I can’t take this forever
and I’m getting a sty
in my fucking pretty eyes
and they’re gonna be all ugly!
*stands up. screams. runs at window and jumps.*

Gaz:
Hazel realises the window is plate glass and falls backwards into a potted plant.
Then a man walks out and says “office pressure getting too much? do you need a break? ever considered a career in being a driving instructor?”

Hay:
wow gary
that was really good

Gaz:
wow thanks hazel!
that sounds genuine!

Hay:
it fucking is shitface!
it was funny

Gaz:
good job. You’re cast! in my fake commercial

Hay:
you’re such an asshole
whatever

Gary :
lol
Hazel
I’m actually lolling

Hay:
me too

Gaz:
and every time I think about it i laugh.

Hay:
every time I think about you thinking about it I laugh
so it’s like we’re laughing together
cut to a mouse singing ’somewhere out there’

Gaz:
you know the type of ad. Where the background is all greyed out until you’re a driving instructor and then its all colour.

Hay:
yes I do
because that’s how life is
grey
until you’re a driving instructor

Gaz:
The last shot would be you driving by the shot. with the window down.

Hay:
driving by the where?

Gaz:
the frame.
and the phone number would sound like a car horn.
Like the direct line car insurance ad.

Hay:
can I wave?
and then crash into something?
a person for example
or a dog
whatever
just so long as it’s something that can feel the car hitting it

Gaz:
you’d crash into a giant disprin box

Hay:
well that definitely won’t feel it
no
that won’t do at all

Gaz:
and then a load of apples will fall on your car

Hay:
nice
can there be a dog in my car?
compromise!

Gaz:
sure. Glenda gilson
we can stop now. the conversation has gone full circle

Hay:
bravo Mr Boylan
bravo
stands up
slow clap
aaaaand
scene.

Gaz:

On The Fuckin’ Ruuuuuun

Hay: very very exciting news

Fla: you’re pregnant

Hay: yes
and….
Space Cow is back!

Fla: you found him!

Hay: he found me

Fla: you found each other

Hay: we did
in this crazy crazy thing we call life

Fla: two crazy’s
……..interesting
jots on notepad

Hay: grabs notepad and tears at it frantically, causing no actual harm to said notepad
You can’t have that, Alan
it’s mine!

Fla: Sorry in my head that all just turned into a big movie trailer with that song from Requiem From A Dream
Notepads and aliens and hair flying everywhere

Hay: I see
And when you imagine these, aliens and notepads, Alan, what are you feeling ?

Fla: Oh I feel fine

Hay: Yes
go on…

Hay: can there be a chase scene?
with the music?
and you and me and the notepad and aliens?

Fla: yeah
i was thinking of a car flipping slowly off a bridge

Hay:I like it
full of clowns

Fla: FULL of clowns

Hay: their terrified faces mashe dup against the windows
smearing white and red face paint all over them
hats and giant red shoes and those water squirting flowers everywhere
one playing the violin in the centre

Fla: awkwardly
but perfectly

Hay: yes
why is the car flipping off the bridge exactly?
is it just happening in the background of us running with the notebook?

Fla: well it’ll appear a LOT in the trailer
not so much in the actual film

Everybody’s looking at me, as I dance on the table-top, I’ll be in their liquid dreams

Fla: “Um, hi, I’m Alan, I’m an AM in DCS Agency”
nudge
“And, um, hi I’m Helen, I’m a Content Optimizer.”
“And, um, today we’re going to give a presentation on content opportunities in the agency world…”
nudge
“…i-in the style of Paris Hilton’s Turn You On”
mount table
Hel Bel: Alan begins the presentation
“Everybody’s lookin’ at me…”
points at slide 1
“But cough that’s ok, I like attention”
wry smile
“Oh, it’s in British accents, by the way, um, incase you’re all wondering what’s going on”
“Sorry Alan, carry on”

People Don’t Get ‘Bumped Off’ Enough Nowadays

Hel Bel: http://www.theonion.com/content/news/shirtless_biden_washes_trans_am_in?utm_source=onion_rss_daily
ha, that Biden
what a card
Fla: great gams though
Hel Bel: and how!

butthole.petbutthole.org.uk

Hel Bell: classic misc mail alfla
quality stuff
i especially ESPECIALLY love the three word combord
or THWOMBORD

Fla Bag: hah!
i think it could catch on

Hel Bell: oh
i actually just realised it’s a 4 word combord
oh my god
you’re an innovator
FWOMBORD

Fla Bag: hah!
i also think logenfrooglers sounds like a delicious holiday treat

Hel Bell:a delicious german holiday treat

Fla Bag: YA!

later that morning…..

Fla Bag: butthole.petbutthole.org.uk

Hel Bell: butthole.petbutthole.co.uk

Fla Bag: “You see, your display URL says butthole.petbutthole.co.uk, but your landing page is butthole.petbutthole.org.uk, so there’s the problem…..
….butthole.”

Hel Bell: Listen, butthole, if you think for one second that you can make me change butthole.petbutthole.co.uk to butthole.petbutthole.org.uk, you’ve got a sorely mistaken butthole

Fla Bag: ………
Could I put you on hold for a moment? I’m just going to have to check with one of our butthole gurus on this issue.

Hel Bell: Can’t I just speak with the butthole gurus directly? If they’re experts on buttholes I’d rather deal with them. No offense, you’re just pretty clueless when it comes to buttholes, butthole

Fla Bag: I understand, butthole, I really do, but our butthole gurus are run off their buttholes as it is, and we don’t want to risk creating a butthole bottleneck.

Hel Bell: What kind of butthole company is this? i run a successful animal butthole company and you buttholes can’t even get off your buttholes and help a butthole out?! COME ON, buttholes!

Citadel of Shame

Shin Bin: are you back?

Hel Bell: no, sitting in tech stop like a damn fool
heaps of work to be doin, loyke

Shin Bin: do you still have your screen? cuz you can keep working away if so
some very important emails there

Hel Bell: left it upstairs

Shin Bin: ah you bum

Hel Bell: your bum

Shin Bin: you’re bum
ha, again!

Hel Bell: no, i didn’t say you ARE bum

Shin Bin: I removed the unneccesary article “a”. just like a google search

Hel Bell: you’re an unnecessary article a

Shin Bin: nope, you’re wrong
i’m a noun
a proper noun

Hel Bell: you’re the worst noun ever
not proper at all
at a dinner party, you wouldn’t even hold your pinky up while drinking your tea

Shin Bin: I wouldn’t be drinking tea, I’d be drinking gin
and I’d be doing it while sitting in an enormous martini glass
with a flapper costume
on me

Hel Bell: yep, like i said, not proper

Shin Bin: proper is relative. because relative to you, upside down in a bathtub of midget crabs drinking brandy out of a rhinocerous horn, I’d be the perfect image of sobriety

Hel Bell: f*ck you

Shin Bin: no thanks, I’ll have to pass
because I’m proper

Hel Bell: well if you’re proper (and no conclusions have been drawn on this) then I’m the definite article

Shin Bin: You’re a right article alright
hahaha
I win!!!

Hel Bell: eh, no
that was horrific

Shin Bin: jealousy will get you nowhere
except to jealoustown. population: you

Hel Bell: no, i think i’ll take a detour to righteousville
but i’ll pop by deluded village and say hi on my way
you’re the mayoress now, right?

Shin Bin: they don’t let losermobiles into righteousville

Hel Bell: well you’d better park outside it then

Shin Bin: which you should remember from the time you tried to storm the Castle of Mighty Correctness
and you were thrown into the moat of pitiful putridity
you did the backstroke, don’t you remember?

Hel Bell: you don’t know man, you weren’t there!

Shin Bin: hahaha
for 22 years I’ve been there
the whole time

Hel Bell: 22 years!

Shin Bin: right behind you
look!
too slow

Hel Bell: i actually f*ckin’ looked

Shin Bin: hahaha

Hel Bell: i’m sitting in tech stop crying with laughter

Shin Bin: I’m still there

Hel Bell: like actual tears

Shin Bin: that gentle breeze, that’s my breath on your ear

Hel Bell: i’m getting funny looks…

Shin Bin: the hairs rising on your neck…
Well those are still your hairs, i don’t have much to do with that

Hel Bell: stop trying to wrangle me into creating a soft porn fantasy story with you

Shin Bin: that big feathery hat you’re wearing.
I made that
from my pet ostrich, David
well, just his feathers
and only some of them
he’s fine
I’ll bring him in sometime
he loves the breadsticks in the microkitchen
oh david the ostrich
he’s a funny fellow

Hel Bell: backing slowly out of the conversation
….now

Shin Bin: mind the wall…
oh, too late
that’s gotta hurt
sigh

Hel Bell: the Wall of Shame? That you built?

Shin Bin: for you

Hel Bell: out of BRICKS AND MORTO!
BAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA
oh wow
that was amazing

Shin Bin: to cushion your fall from grace
ooh
nice one
haha
ah puns
you make me so happy
puns and random fantastical ostriches named david

Hel Bell: wow
what a way to end the day

/SCENE